CHEESE, GLORIOUS, DISGUSTING, HUMAN SKIN FILLED, CHEEEESE!

Three words.
Human flippin’ skin!
If you’re my FB friend you know that last week I was horrified to find something in my cream cheese that I suspect to be human skin.
For your viewing pleasure, here’s a disgusting photo.

Along with the imprint of the wrapper are fingerprints!!
Swirly, curly, no mistaking them, looked at ’em under a magnifying glass, fingerprints!So, I called the cheese company – not sure if I can say their name here until the testing comes back – to let them know that maybe they ought to be looking for a missing employee and interestingly enough if you call this particular, name brand company and tell them that you’ve found what appears to be human skin in your m*ther f*cking brick of cream cheese, they transfer your call to a federal agent.
After repeating the same info. I had just given the company rep, i.e., bar codes, expiration dates, when and where purchased, and a FULL description that makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Here’s how the conversation goes with the federal agent, who, of course, I didn’t believe to be a federal agent at first and by the end of our conversation I didn’t care who he was because to me, he was just a dumbass.
***Keep in mind. I was very upset and completely horrified finding this. I’d already spent a ridiculous amount of time on the phone to the original cheese rep., then had to repeat everything to this guy, all the while feeling like I was going to vomit at any moment.
I may have been a teeny, tiny bit bitchy..
Me – First of all, if you’re the guy that offers up the lifetime supply of cream cheese for compensation, save it. I don’t want any of your products ever again.
FA – Uh, no ma’am and before we talk about compensation I have a few questions.
Me – Well, your compensation could start with a maid service to clean up the vomit off of my kitchen floor.
FA – I understand you think you’ve found a piece of human skin in your brick of cream cheese?
Me – I don’t think. I know.
FA – Well, how do you know it’s human skin?
Me – Um, because it has fingerprints??? Does this company have something else working in their factories other than humans that would have fingerprints because if they do, I suspect you have bigger issues to deal with.
FA – Well, it is an automated process.
Me – Really? The entire cheese factory is automated? Not one human at any point of the process?? Wow. That’s fucking remarkable.
FA – Ma’am may I remind you that you’re speaking to a federal agent?
Me – You may remind me all you’d like but last I checked there wasn’t a prison for dropping the F-bomb because trust me, if there was, I’d be serving life. Right now, you’re just a guy on the phone asking me questions about this vile and disgusting fucking brick of cream cheese I’ve got laying on my counter. What I need to know is what you want me to do with it? Do you want me to mail it to, take a picture and send it to you, what??
FA – Oh no. I would prefer that you not mail it. We’ll send somebody to come pick it up.
Me – Perfect. In the meantime what would you like me to do with it? Put it back in the box, shove it in a Ziploc baggie, what?
FA – Well, I would like a photo if you wouldn’t mind. We’ll send you a secure link so you can safely email it to us. Uh, what’s your weather like out there?
Me – What?? It’s February in Idaho. What does this have to do with this cream cheese?
FA – Well I was trying to figure out a place where you could store the cheese?
Me – You mean besides my flippin’ refrigerator?? It’s Boise, Idaho not a third world country. I live in a real home and I have a refrigerator.
FA – Okay, yeah. Well go ahead and put it in a Ziploc and we’ll send somebody out, and we ask that you please verify their identity.
Me – Really? Because I have a 100 people showing up at my door wanting my cream cheese??
FA – Ma’am I understand your frustration but these are just things we need to do.
Me – Great. What would you like me to do with the other two bricks of cheese I have in my frig? They were all purchased together, same day, same store. Do you want those too or should I just toss ’em?
FA – Well ma’am I can assure you, in all probability those bricks of cheese are perfectly safe to use.
Me – You’re joking, right? You’re talking to the woman who is standing here in her kitchen with a brick of cream cheese on her counter with human skin on it and more gunk poking out of the end of it. It would take God and Jesus Christ coming down from the heavens telling me they’re safe. So, do ya’ want ’em or am I tossing them.
FA – Okay, well, no, we won’t need them so you can do whatever you want with them. We’ll be calling back to schedule that pick-up. And if you wouldn’t mind, just go ahead and send us that photo. Is there anything else we can help you with?
Me – Nope. I think we’re done here.
FA – Okay. Again. We apologize for the inconvenience Ms. — and once our labs have done their testing we’ll notify you of our findings.
They ended up sending someone out from Indiana for the pick-up so now I suppose we just wait on their test results which I’m sure will turn out NOT to be human flesh but whatever. I’m done with them and cream cheese.
It is now…

BE STILL MY HEART

First, a belated Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my lovey dovey, schnuckems n’ cuddle bunnies out there.
And to the rest of us you.
This pretty much says it all.
10 bonus points if you read that to the tune of, “If You’re Happy And You Know It!”
I know yesterday – and the day before that, and the day before that – was supposed to be my “cheese” post but I couldn’t finish that post until the “federallies” came to pick up the flippin’ skin filled cheese, which happened early yesterday morning, so, the cheese post will be tomorrow. Today’s post is a mix mash of whatever. – How’s that for a writer’s hook? –
(I’m laughing at myself. Feel free to join in.)
I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day, however you all chose to celebrate it, or not.
My day started out with me, quite literally, falling out of bed at about 4am. Nooooo. I didn’t get kicked out of bed by some really hot guy that was running late for work and throwing clothes at me saying, “Shit, shit, shit. I’m late, we gotta’ go!” – Although that may have happened “once upon a time.” – Nope. I seriously rolled over and fell out of bed. Not even kidding. So yeah. “Happy Valentine’s Day” to me. And of course, the loud ass thud from my big ‘ol ass hitting the floor brought my pup scurrying to the edge of the bed to investigate the commotion and when I looked up at her I’m pretty sure I heard her say, “What the hell are you doing down there?”
And then she crawled back under the covers.
Wide awake it was time to greet the day and make some coffee.
Despite my spill outta’ bed, I greeted the day with a smile.
My day decided to be an asshole and greet me like this.
Sorry rain, you won’t rain on my Valentine’s Day parade.. Um.. Except you did.. Aaaallll flippin’ day! – Asshole.
I made myself a festive Valentine’s Day cuppa java.
Mocha with a dollop of marshmallow fluff and some Christmas sprinkles.
Whatever, don’t judge. I didn’t have any just plain ‘ol regular red sprinkles, and really, birth of Christ, martyred saint? Close enough.
(Aaaaand I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell for that one…)
I went and got my hair cut off again. It feels great, looks great, and I feel human again.
Well, it solved one of mine. I’d still like to hit the lottery and solve the rest.
Then I went with my boy and his girl to an antique mall. We made no purchases but saw a lot of cool stuff.
I loved this bench. Obviously more of a decorative piece due to age but it would still look beautiful in an entry way.
Price tag: $500
I thought this little hand-painted, enamel box was super cute. I love the two ladies sitting together sharing a cup of coffee or tea. Made me think of my gal pals.
Price tag: $45
I got a lit’l homesick when I came across this gem.
Price tag: $65
And I almost bought this little vase. I loved everything about it. The style, the colors, the painting..
And now that I see it again, I wish I had..
Price tag: $28
Every time I go anywhere near an antique shop I wish I had “Antiques Roadshow” on speed dial because there are so many things with tags that claim to be authentic or that it’s #3 of only 40 made, and those things always come with the highest price tags, and my fear is that I’d be “that woman” that paid $1,000 dollars for something and it turned out to be worth two bucks. I’d be so bummed!
I also have another “antique fear.” That I’d purchase something that’s haunted! I don’t buy old mirrors no matter how beautiful they are for that very reason.. Too much unknown energy.
We popped into a couple of thrift stores as well but again, no purchases. The thrift store I deem the worst in Boise, sadly, is the only one that donates a portion of it’s proceeds to the Humane Society and animal shelters around Boise. Their stuff is just so crappy and dirty and this display of theirs? Creepy.
The mannequin in the bed was disturbing. On the other hand, I wish those mannequins were for sale. Those I would buy.
Our next stop, and the most challenging of our surprise day out was finding food. Oh my gosh.. Almost every place we pulled into was jam-packed like it was Valentine’s Day or something. And of course, the one place that wasn’t packed, Mickey Ray’s BBQ, took forever to seat us – they had 4 tables of people – and then once we got seated it was another 10-15 minutes before someone came for our drink order and by then my boy had had enough. The food is great but not if you have to wait over a half hour to get your drinks! We ended up at the very place my boy didn’t want to eat, a Chinese buffet. Not exactly the Valentine’s dinner we all had in mind but then again, we didn’t really have a Valentine’s dinner in mind.
Last stop ‘Shopko’ where we hit some great sales. All of their winter stuff was marked down to as low as $3 for shirts and $6 for pants. I found a cute shirt but my total “Jew Boise” find of the day was a set of four, big, flameless candles with the timer option. for $3.67, normally over $20.
Boo-yah! What can I say? I’m an “Italian Jew” girl and I’ll be going back today to stock up on more shirts – if I can find more cute ones, the woman’s winter wear is a little more rugged looking than I care for.

After ‘Shopko’ we went our separate ways. I came home to sew and the kiddos headed off to see ‘Deadpool.’ I can’t wait to see that myself!
So, that was pretty much Valentine’s Day in my lit’l corner of the world. A pretty awesome day for having planned nothing other than a haircut. I think I should not make plans more often!
This morning started out with “lovin’ from the oven.” I made my boy his favorite snickerdoodles and if he doesn’t wake up soon there will be none left! So, so yummy!
Today it’s supposed to be 62 degrees out with plenty of sunshine so I will be on the road toolin’ around wherever the mood strikes me. I can’t tell you how excited I am for warm weather and sunshine to be a part of our forecasts now. It’s been a long, dark, cold winter and I am more than ready for all things spring and summer!
I hope you have a great Tuesday, whatever you’re doing, and I promise, tomorrow the cheese post!

ANOTHER LAYER REVEALED

Let’s just forget the fact that I think I’m probably the weirdest person on planet earth. – Truly – And then imagine how surprised I am when every now and again my life will get into this comfy little zone of sewing and crocheting, card making and cookie baking. And for one BRIEF, nearly euphoric  moment, that makes me want to jump up n’ down and shout, “Wow, I’m normal!” Life being life comes up with a big ‘ol calloused hand of reality and wallops me up side my head and says, “Uh huh, nice try bitch.”
If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I finally broke down and got “real” t.v. in my home courtesy of those “Wascally Rabbit Ears.”
If you missed it, click on the highlighted link. Please and thank you.
Being the weirdest person on planet earth I’m all about “signs.” Signs like the very first show that came on the t.v. once the “ears” were in place, was a cop show featuring Macomb County, Michigan. Being a Michigan girl, this made me smile and inwardly solidified my purchase of this antenna. Yes. This was meant to be.
– Told you.. Weirdest person on the planet… –
Having an antenna and not cable or dish means the channels show up much differently, in that, they’re not just one number or two or three. No. My channels come up with the letter D in front of them, then numbers, all except one channel, QVC.
Side note: Having that letter D in front of the numbers makes punching in channel 2, 4 or 7 impossible since our remote doesn’t have letter options on it. Not a big deal but you definitely have to channel surf.
QVC for most people is an online shopping network. For us, it’s all of the old games shows, complete with old commercials from as far back as black and white t.v. all the way up to the 70’s and early 80’s. So I’m kicking back “channel surfing” and come across this channel and the old game show “Beat The Clock.” I’m basking in childhood memories (mostly about those commercials) and watching as the game show host, Monty Hall struggled while asking a relationship question to a couple who were clearly “living in sin.” In fact, Monty said, rather awkwardly “I don’t know how to ask these questions to couples in your situation.” Like living together was a disease.
It made me laugh.
Enter another layer of my never-ending well of weirdness revealed.
Curiosity killed this cat. I had to Google AND Facebook this couple.
I KNOW!!!! I surprised my own self with this depth of weirdness!
But, I had to know! Monty was so condescending to them and I just wanted to know if they made it.
Did they stay together? Did they fall to the wayside of others who partook of the “try before you buy” relationship experiment??
And yessssss! They made it! They stayed together. Married, grandbabies, and business partners with a Facebook page!
So, in your face Monty Hall!
(For this couple that I don’t know personally but felt compelled to stalk online in the here and now…)

And there you have it folks. Another layer of weirdness revealed. Let the “you’re a freak” comments begin. It’s okay. You’ll say nothing I’ve not already said to myself..
Maybe this whole t.v. thing wasn’t such a great idea after all..
Yep. I’m that friend…
Side note: When I went to this couple’s Facebook page I discovered that I wasn’t the only one who had “stalked” this couple. Several people made reference to their “Beat The Clock” appearance.
So, maybe I’m not the weirdest person on planet earth…
TOMORROW’S POST – “CHEESE, GLORIOUS, DISGUSTING, HUMAN SKIN FILLED, CHEEEESE!”

WASCALLY WABBIT EARS

bugs bunny whats up doc

As most of you know that read my blog. I am not a t.v. watcher. I know my pal ‘The Cranky Old Man’ is, and you should go over to his place and read his posts, “Watching T.V. With Mrs. Cranky” and ‘Yelling At The T.V.‘ – He’s written others about t.v. viewing but these two are my favorite. Oh, and the one about the remote
So, being a professed, non-t.v. watcher – and no, Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, Vudu, and Amazon Prime binging don’t count… – I found myself missing local t.v., namely, the local news. And in truth, it wasn’t even the news I was missing, it was the familiarity of going to bed after the news, that I’ve missed.
Apparently at age 52, I need an alarm clock for my bedtime.
Sad but true.
When all the kids were home I had cable and inet. Mainly because I never wanted my kids to carry that stigma of being “that family.” You know, the weirdo family on the block that doesn’t let their kids watch t.v. or have pop? Yeah, “those people.” I wasn’t going to be one of “them.” Plus, it’s a lot more fun watching t.v. when you have someone to snuggle n’ giggle with. Once that was over so was my need for t.v.
Fast forward to now and inet streaming. I reeeallly don’t need t.v. now, but I want it.
And now it’s just the idea of it. I feel like our local cable company is trying to force me into signing up with them and I’m just not going to.
I’m not.
We have wifi through our local cable company. We had to pay a $200 deposit because we hadn’t had service with this company before. Fine. I’ll pay, with the understanding that the $200 deposit does, in fact, come back to us because we’ve paid our bill on time for x amount of months. Perfect. There should be no issues with this since it’s an auto pay right off of the credit card.
Done.
Now, being established wifi customers and having paid our $200 deposit for never having had service with them before, and having apparently passed whatever credit checks we needed to pass, I decided to call our wifi provider and inquire about adding basic cable.
All I want is my local news. How expensive could that be??
– And here’s where I turn into the “Italian Jew girl.” –
To add basic cable to our wifi plan, they want another $200 deposit  AND a $250 deposit on their cable box, or $350 if we want the DVR.
Whatttttt????
Another $200 deposit? But we’ve already paid a $200 deposit. We’re already customers. We passed all the tests. We’re not new. We have credit.
Yeah, not so fast…
 – The new $200 deposit is for the cable service, which is separate from the wifi service.
* Really? So I’ll be getting two separate bills? One for wifi, one for cable?
– No. It’s all one itemized bill.
* Great. Then why another $200 deposit?
…..And here’s the part where I consider how many months of prison time I’d like to endure….
– Because it’s a separate service. Wifi and cable aren’t the same.
….Really dumb ass? I didn’t know….
* So, if I had ordered cable at the same time I ordered my wifi I would’ve had to pay a $400 deposit plus an equipment fee of $250/350?
– No.
* Then why do I have to pay an additional $200 to add cable to my already existing service?
– Because it’s a separate service.
Enter thoughts of homicide and my “wascally wabbit ears.” I hadn’t really thought about a t.v. antenna since I lived in the “Twilight Zone” of Arkansas, so far out in the boonies the only neighbors we had were the white supremacists. – Not even kidding. – We had a GIANT outdoor antenna semi-bolted to the side of our ooollllddddd farmhouse right next to our firewood window – true story, a small window, no screen, to pass firewood through. – Which was super handy for when it rained, which was nearly every day, and the picture went out on the t.v., which was also nearly every day.. We could just reach out the window and give our towering antenna a little spin and boom! Just like that, we were watching t.v. again.
Not even kidding folks. Just a sliver of my life…
That experience was pretty much my last with any kind of an antenna. Until now.
It’s the year 2016. I figured this whole t.v. antenna thing had to have rolled with the times, right? And hooray, it has! We now have t.v.! All of the local channels and a few really weird cable stations but t.v. just the same, with zero to very little weather interference.
So, for $20 bucks, not another $200 deposit PLUS $250/350 for equipment fees, I have my bedtime alarm clock again!
Woo hoo! Go me, right???
It’s the little things folks…
I’m not in for a full day just yet but I could be…
TOMORROW’S POST – “ANOTHER LAYER REVEALED…”

AT A GLANCE – January

1.) What is your number one goal this year?
My number one goal this year is increasing and deepening my faith.
2.) What are you most grateful for?
I am most grateful for my children and grandchildren.
3.) Are you content?
No. I am more than content. I am joyful.
4.) What is your best memory of last year?
Moving back to the city.
5.) What was the last major accomplishment you had?
Beating stage 4, Hodgkins lymphoma back in 2007.
6.) What possession could you not live without?
My rosary.
7.) Can people change?
I believe SOME people can change.
8) What is the last “good” thing you ate?
Squash soup. – Delicious. – I love squash!
9.) What is your current favorite snack?
Omg.. Cheese balls in that giant barrel from Winco.
10.) What made you smile today?
My granddaughter.
11.) What is your favorite accessory?
My St. Michael medal.
12.) What is making you mad?
The state of this country and the world in general. It’s very disheartening.
13.) What did you have for dinner today?
Chicken alfredo. Yum!
14.) What did you get done?
I made a slight dent in my craft organization. – Slight dent..
15.) Who last called you on the phone?
My youngest, Tommy.
16.) Who are you in love with?
I am in love with my grandbabies!
17.) What are you grateful for?
Today I am grateful for kind, caring veterinarians and veterinarian assistants, and all dog lovers who share my pain.
18.) The best part of my day today was…
Watching my pup recouping and getting her spunk back!
19.) My current favorite website at the moment is…
A tie. My beloved Netflix of course, and Youtube for all of the British crime documentaries available.
20.) What was the hardest thing you’re dealing with?
Trying to get my pup healthy. It’s so scary and I feel so helpless.
21.) Today I wish I had more…
Hours in the day.
22.) Tomorrow will be better because…
I know my pup is on the mend!
23.) What made today unusual?
Almost every day for me could be categorized as unusual but today was unusual because while the east coast was being buried in snow, we had a 50-degree day!
24.) What are you looking for in life?
Peace in my soul.
25.) What is your favorite thing to drink?
My favorite thing to drink. COFFEE!
26.) Today the temperature was…
43 degrees f.
27.) How much did you spend at the grocery store the last time you went?
$112.62
28.) Tomorrow I will…
Take more cold meds and try to sleep.
29.) What was your last major purchase?
My last major purchase was medical care for my pup.
30.) My house is a home because…
Of the people in it, the love that we share and the memories we make.
31.) Who is the last person to tell you they loved you?
The last person to tell me they loved me was my youngest, Tommy.
Dear February,
Here is my request –
More laughter, less tears.
More happiness, less sadness.
More joy. less pain.
More love, less hate.
You’re supposed to be the month of love.
Please don’t let us down.