Scaring the shit out of me! Let’s just start with that one because that one, is allll encompassing!
UPDATES AND REBOOTS – Is there any reason why this has to happen always, with.out.fail, in the middle of the flippin’ night???
– Suddenly, WITHOUT WARNING, outta’ the corner of my eye I see those swirling bright lights of my phone and instantly my heart starts racing and my ass tightens up and all I can think about is abduction, anal probes and death because my entire body has just vapor locked!
INVOLUNTARY RESETS, DOWNLOADS AND APPS THAT YOU CAN’T DELETE – It’s like a constant “fuck you” from my phone.
– I set my clock to mountain time, my phone says, “Fuck you, I’m a New Yorker, I’m setting it to eastern time.” Nothing against New Yorkers but if I set my alarm for 6am because I have an appointment at 8am, I’d really like for it to go off at 6am and NOT 8am, the actual time of my appointment.
– I delete apps and my phone says, “Fuck you, I’m downloading ‘Flipboard’ – again – ‘Flipboard’ is cool and I’m keeping ‘Jigsaw Puzzles’ too because maybe one day I’m gonna’ wanna’ put together a 500 piece puzzle on a 5 INCH screen.”
– And what’s with these apps that you can’t delete??? You can disable them but you can’t delete them, especially the “S” apps. ‘S Health,’ ‘S Translator,’ ‘S Memo..’
I don’t use any of these, and yet my phone says, “Fuck you, they’re staying right where they are, running in the background slowing the rest of your shit down, and don’t even think about resetting or deleting them because I’ll put ’em right back on, so you just hang tight, jump on ‘Twitter’ and bitch about me there in 140 characters or less.”
And speaking of Twitter…
TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM NOTIFICATIONS – *See above involuntary resets. –
First of all, I’d like to thank everybody who’s following even though I’m pretty sure I don’t know 20 people personally who want to follow my random food, toenail, and basketball hoop pics on Instagram, but apparently 200 people that I don’t know personally, do, so yeah, thanks for following… Twitter is very much the same, and again, thanks for following but the notifications are driving me nutso.
I’ve made every attempt humanly possible to STOP THE NOTIFICATIONS and it’s like Stephen King’s ‘Pet Cemetary.’ “They always come back..”
I’ve put my phone on vibrate to stop the once cool and now annoying ‘Law & Order’ sound notifications and now I deal with the incessant buzzing, all.night.long, which, I’m not gonna’ lie, wouldn’t be a bad thing if it were coming from me, but it’s not, it’s my flippin’ phone!
Maybe the reboot is the climax after all of the buzzing, who knows.
Side note – It’s a sad day when your phone is getting off more than you are. Just sayin’.
AMBER ALERTS – Okay, okay.. Get off me, I’m not a moron, I know the importance of the Amber Alerts, and honestly, I don’t mind them – much – BUT, I didn’t sign up for them and when I’m driving down the road in the middle of rush hour traffic with some jackhole darting in and out of lanes like he’s Mario Andretti at the Indy 500, I really don’t need to be scared shitless when I hear what used to be the sound of “the emergency broadcast system” back in the day when you actually had to get up and turn the channel on your t.v.
For those of you too young to remember that awesome sound, this is it…
Dear Dumbass Smart Phone,
Maybe I’ll pay your bill this month, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll pay late and leave ya’ hangin’ on life support for a 6 day grace period, how ’bout that? Ya’ know if I wasn’t so attached, addicted and obsessed with you, trust me, you’d be under my tires right now…
Fuck me dumbass smart phone? No, fuck you.
I own YOU!
Ah, who am I kidding?