Scaring the shit out of me! Let’s just start with that one because that one, is allll encompassing!

UPDATES AND REBOOTS – Is there any reason why this has to happen always,, in the middle of the flippin’ night???
– Suddenly, WITHOUT WARNING, outta’ the corner of my eye I see those swirling bright lights of my phone and instantly my heart starts racing and my ass tightens up and all I can think about is abduction, anal probes and death because my entire body has just vapor locked!

INVOLUNTARY RESETS, DOWNLOADS AND APPS THAT YOU CAN’T DELETE – It’s like a constant “fuck you” from my phone.
– I set my clock to mountain time, my phone says, “Fuck you, I’m a New Yorker, I’m setting it to eastern time.” Nothing against New Yorkers but if I set my alarm for 6am because I have an appointment at 8am, I’d really like for it to go off at 6am and NOT 8am, the actual time of my appointment.
– I delete apps and my phone says, “Fuck you, I’m downloading ‘Flipboard’ – again – ‘Flipboard’ is cool and I’m keeping ‘Jigsaw Puzzles’ too because maybe one day I’m gonna’ wanna’ put together a 500 piece puzzle on a 5 INCH screen.”
– And what’s with these apps that you can’t delete??? You can disable them but you can’t delete them, especially the “S” apps. ‘S Health,’ ‘S Translator,’ ‘S Memo..’
I don’t use any of these, and yet my phone says, “Fuck you, they’re staying right where they are, running in the background slowing the rest of your shit down, and don’t even think about resetting or deleting them because I’ll put ’em right back on, so you just hang tight, jump on ‘Twitter’ and bitch about me there in 140 characters or less.”
And speaking of Twitter…

TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM NOTIFICATIONS – *See above involuntary resets. –
First of all, I’d like to thank everybody who’s following even though I’m pretty sure I don’t know 20 people personally who want to follow my random food, toenail, and basketball hoop pics on Instagram, but apparently 200 people that I don’t know personally, do, so yeah, thanks for following… Twitter is very much the same, and again, thanks for following but the notifications are driving me nutso.
I’ve made every attempt humanly possible to STOP THE NOTIFICATIONS and it’s  like Stephen King’s ‘Pet Cemetary.’ “They always come back..”
I’ve put my phone on vibrate to stop the once cool and now annoying ‘Law & Order’ sound notifications and now I deal with the incessant buzzing, all.night.long, which, I’m not gonna’ lie, wouldn’t be a bad thing if it were coming from me, but it’s not, it’s my flippin’ phone!
Maybe the reboot is the climax after all of the buzzing, who knows.
Side note – It’s a sad day when your phone is getting off more than you are. Just sayin’.

AMBER ALERTS – Okay, okay.. Get off me, I’m not a moron, I know the importance of the Amber Alerts, and honestly, I don’t mind them – much – BUT, I didn’t sign up for them and when I’m driving down the road in the middle of rush hour traffic with some jackhole darting in and out of lanes like he’s Mario Andretti at the Indy 500, I really don’t need to be scared shitless when I hear what used to be the sound of “the emergency broadcast system” back in the day when you actually had to get up and turn the channel on your t.v.

For those of you too young to remember that awesome sound, this is it…

Yeah, not the random sound you want to hear during rush hour…

Dear Dumbass Smart Phone,
Maybe I’ll pay your bill this month, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll pay late and leave ya’ hangin’ on life support for a 6 day grace period, how ’bout that? Ya’ know if I wasn’t so attached, addicted and obsessed with you, trust me, you’d be under my tires right now…
Fuck me dumbass smart phone? No, fuck you.
I own YOU!

Ah, who am I kidding?


  1. Jo Heroux says:

    And this is why I leave my phone FACE DOWN and silenced when I sleep.
    Yes, I might miss an emergency call, but it’s a small and unlikely price to pay. A princess needs her rest.
    Your phone seems to be possessed. I’m worried.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JoJo says:

    This is why I don’t have a smart phone. Just a basic $80 Samsung from Walmart, using the $45/mo Straight Talk plan. I can do unlimited calls and texts, and very basic internet. No apps, no amber alerts, no crap downloading and updating. Bad enough my computer does that.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Angel Stew says:

    Ya’ know, I miss flip phones. I looved that they flipped and when you hung up they really hung up! So many issues with these phones and yet I couldn’t live without mine. It’s my computer in my hand and I take it everywhere, evil source that it is..


  4. Kathy Combs (@KathyCombs16) says:

    You crack me up. I love my smart phone. Not sure what I would do without it. You might want to take a gander at your settings. Pretty sure you can change what it notifies you of. Now, I don’t have twitter on my phone because that would be annoying as hell. My daughter does, and believe me when I say, it is ridiculous how much her favorite YouTubers tweet all night long. They must sleep all day and tweet all night just for the sake of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. tracie @ beets+birch says:

    hahaha good shit as always!!!!

    as much of a modern gal that i am… i don’t do the whole phone thing other than an occasional actual phone call. do people actually catch up on the phone any more with real conversations????

    i have an iphone circa 2009. i had to go rouge and jail break it back in the day in order to use it in europe. so that turned my $400 phone into JUST a phone. there’s no fun to be had on it.

    i’m not instagraming my newest grey pubic hair, ”check in” from the corner liquor store, uploading spontaneous drunken vids, taking selfies in my car or tweeting from the remote corners of the frozen food isle.

    shit that was just depressing. maybe i need to upgrade my phone…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Angel Stew says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Omg.. I think Instagramming pubes should be a thing now! AND, I take selfies in my car ALL.THE.TIME and send them to my kids and little sister and I don’t have a clue why I do this! Seriously tho, I have my phone set up, when it doesn’t reset itself, so that it’s my little computer in my hand, it’s got everything in it and for the most part, when functioning properly, does everything! Except, have sex with me, but now with this whole vibrating thing that could one day be a possibility.. I’ll keep you posted on that. – Thanks Tracie, now I can’t get the idea of Instagramming pubes outta’ my head! Hahahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tracie @ beets+birch says:

      oh yes the vibrator function, i’m down for that!!

      i’ll work on a pube app because you know it would be a thing. i’m already working it out n my head… i think the app character should be a beaver.
      2015 was the year i staged a pussy revolution and brought bush back, it’s filling in quite nice just in time for winter, in case you were wondering.


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